Performance Review: Survivor

Performance Review: Survivor is a satirical bullet heaven roguelite. Your weapons are office supplies, the horde is your coworkers, and your manager is an AI that's quietly evaluating whether you're still needed. Survive 30 years and maybe you retire. Weaponize the Supply Closet Staplers, business cards, paper airplanes, reply-all emails, NDAs don't even begin to cover your armory. Every weapon fires on its own. You pick the upgrades, stack trinkets and max out a weapon to evolve it and snowball into a build that wipes the whole floor. Your Manager Is an AI Your AI Manager calls in the middle of fights. Take the Promotion Packet: pick new weapons, upgrade or gamble on life event. Every year ends in a performance review, and your numbers decide what happens next. Get Fired. Get Rehired. Losing your job isn't the end of the run. Apply to everything on the job portal, get through the interview, then negotiate. Take the offer, clock back in. Meet Your Coworkers Interns, Micromanagers, The Office Bros, Cold Callers, Consultants, HR and more, all walking toward your cubicle. And at the top of the org chart, the ones we're really doing this for. Features30-minute careers: 30 years, one per minute, then a 401(k) retirement projection 25 weapons, including evolutions, plus 25 desk trinkets to build around 20+ coworker types and boss encounters Company policies that change every run, plus hidden career challenges Fired/Hired minigames: job portal, interview, salary elevator Water coolers that relocate around the floor that allow you to vent, heal and give damage buffs NOW HIRING: Senior Entry-Level Productivity Survival Analyst IIShareholder First Company Solutions is seeking a highly motivated self-starter who understands that "work-life balance" is a competitor's myth. Responsibilities: maintain control of your cubicle during high-energy team-building events · upgrade company-approved productivity tools · survive the Annual Performance Review · ability to lift 50 lbs Benefits: after-life 401K planning · plentiful team-building opportunities · the slow erosion of self · dental Applications accepted via fax only. Orientation starts immediately upon submission.